SEPTEMBER 11, 1998 GAY PEOPle's ChroNICLE 13

BIG TIPS

I'm thinking of moving to Holland to be with my love

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

This week's letters come from some folks who took the slogan of the recent Gay Games, "Friendship Through Culture and Sports," to heart, and had a very good time in Amsterdam. My little lady came back with her own Tales From the Dutch: Smokers who eat gobs of mayonnaise, bike everywhere and look great.

I'm hearing that the Netherlands is a country full of people who live to sing along with popular folk singers, and enjoy the use of urinals that offer just enough privacy to avoid arrest by the users, and that the motorcycle cops have extremely saucy zip-up leather outfits. But the best thing? Bridge is an official Gay Games event. That clinched the deal for me.

I'm spending the next four years strengthening and toning my poker face: Australia in 2002.

Dear Big Tipper,

I have question for you about “international affairs." I went to Amsterdam for the Gay Games, and I saw some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life, and had the wonderful fortune to meet and "go home with" one particularly wonderful woman.

Now, I only speak English, and I found

that most people in Amsterdam were quite fluent in English (thanks!) but “Paola" is from a small town a few hours outside the city. Since she doesn't have as many opportunities to speak it, her English is patchy. We did okay, with the aid of a phrase book, and as a matter of fact, she's already been to visit me here in the U.S. for a week!

I'm actually contemplating moving to the Netherlands. She loves me, and I feel the same way. Since we could get married there legally, I could work there. The problem I have is about language and sex.

The words in English that she doesn't know at all are slang, and I guess most people use a lot of slang to talk about sex. I know I do. We had a great time, but if I want this to develop, we need to be able to talk in more detail. A particular example of this came up when I ejaculated, and she thought I had peed on her. She was very polite, but even when I tried carefully to explain that I wasn't peeing, I don't think she quite understood.

She also doesn't really have a sexually adventurous history, and I don't think she talks about sex that much with her friends. When we were in Amsterdam, we bought her first vibrator together! Please wish us luck, and give me some advice on communicating with this wonderful woman.

International Affairs of the Heart

BRIEFLY

Emma brings home Emmy för 'lesbian from Dayton'

On Saturday, Aug. 29, Oscar-winning actress Emma Thompson won a prime-time Emmy for her appearance last November on Ellen. The Emmy for best guest actress in a comedy series was awarded to the British actress at the creative arts portion of the 50th annual Primetime Emmy Awards in Los Angeles for her depiction of a closeted lesbian actress from Dayton.

"Emma Thompson's disarming, honest and, above all, hilarious performance is a testament to the quality of a history-making season of television," said Joan M. Garry, director of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. “Her guest appearance on Ellen, and now her subsequent Emmy win, demonstrates the level of professionalism and talent she brings to every role."

Highlights the August 29 event will appear on cable's TV Land on Friday, Sept. 11. The main ceremony will be broadcast live two days later on NBC. Other nominations for gay-themed work include Ellen DeGeneres (outstanding actress in a comedy series), Gia (six nominations, including outstanding made-for-television movie) and Armistead Maupin's More Tales of the City (five nominations, including outstanding miniseries). Cruise is not gay—or we'll sue

Lawyers for actor Tom Cruise say they are prepared to sue if a book published by William Morrow and scheduled for an October release even hints that their client might be gay.

Cruise's legal team reacted quickly to stories that appeared recently in several supermarket tabloids. The tabloids said that David Ehrenstein's upcoming book, Open Secret: Gay Hollywood 1928-1998, contains information suggesting the Top Gun star may be gay. Cruise is married to actress Nicole Kidman. The book also lists actors Richard Gere, John Travolta and Alec Baldwin as actors around whom gay rumors have swirled. According to TV Guide Online, a spokesperson for William Morrow said the book only addresses the rumors that have followed Cruise throughout his career, and that “we are confident that the book in no way defames Mr. Cruise."

Lawyers for Cruise said they'll wait to see the book before deciding how to proceed. In a recent letter to the Hollywood trade journal Variety, Cruise wrote that although he is straight, he "does not disapprove of people who lead a homosexual lifestyle."

1,000 letters say no to 'ex-gay'

Newsweek magazine received over 1,000 letters in response to their August 17 cover story on the "ex-gay" movement. On the letters page of the Sept 7 issue, the editors expressed their surprise at the lack of controversy: Most writers felt that same-sex orientation is innate, and that groups claiming to "cure" homosexuals are misleading.

"What we really need are fewer ex-gays and more ex-bigots," one reader wrote. Barbara Rosen, a mother of a gay son from Tallahassee, Fla. wrote, "Those of us who love and are loved by our homosexual children know there is no need for them to change. Why would they want to?"

Lea Pierce of Des Moines, Iowa wrote in regarding the couple featured on the cover, former Columbus resident and Ohio State student John Paulk and his wife, Anne, both of whom claim to be "former" homosexuals.

"It is lovely that John and Anne Paulk are living their lives together," Pierce wrote. "It is also wonderful that Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche, and so many other gay couples, are living their lives together. Frankly, it's great when any couple can stay together."

Most important, perhaps, were the letters from now well-adjusted lesbian and gay readers who had previously attempted “conversion therapy."

"This attempt to convert is damaging thousands of gay people by claiming we can miraculously be changed," wrote Mark Satterlee of Los Angeles. Because the reparative groups "promise much more than they can deliver," Satterlee writes, they end up "lead[ing] many people to despair, depression and suicide.'

Compiled by Doreen Cudnik from wire reports and information from the Gay and Lesbian Miance Against Defamation.

Dear Shower the People You Love,

I say, if you've already shot on her, you've got some sort of ground-level communication going. Now you need to put up the rest of the building.

Pictures are indeed worth a thousand words, and a good book like New View of a Woman's Body or The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex will have pictures of all sort of good stuff, like paraurethral glands (where girl squirt originates) and positions and sex toys. She also might be able to puzzle out what you're saying with a picture book under her elbow.

Ask her if she has any favorite books about sex in her language that you can mull over. If she's far away right now, you might already be communicating with her online: See if you can find good informational web sites for her to check out, and you can talk about them together.

You can also try to scare up a translator; perhaps a slutty bilingual friend of hers (you can avoid the most particular particulars), or in the name of anonymity, some game boy or girl you meet in a queer bar.

I do wish you luck. Make sure you know a lot about her before you move to Europe, okay? It's a hell of a U-Haul tab.

Dear M.T. Martone,

First off, when I tell you I have braces, please don't think that I'm 12.

I'm 34. And I don't have a question, just advice for the adults who wear braces, or are considering them. Here's the advice. Never leave on a long trip without the wax that your orthodontist can give you to pad the metal in your mouth.

I just returned from Amsterdam, where I had a great time with a fabulous guy I met at the Gay Games. Everything was incredible except for the fact that I had finally gotten up the courage and the money, and had long overdue braces put on my teeth about two months ago. I'm happy to find out

that men still find me attractive, but after some heavy kissing the first night, I realized that the wires on my braces had poked into the inside of my mouth, and continued to hurt me for the rest of the trip.

When I returned home, my orthodontist gave me some soft wax that you can stick onto any sharp parts to protect your mouth. I would have been much happier if I'd had the wax on my trip.

Dear Tooth or Consequences,

Tooth Teller

I have to say that my personal memory of braces is a bit obscured by the mists of time. I only had them for one year, and I was one of those freaks who'd been pressing foil onto my teeth to pretend I had braces even before I had them for real, but your tip brought back some irritating memories.

I was at the movies once, and had to resort to jamming a Jujube onto a loose wire out of desperation. That probably wouldn't be sanctioned by dentists anywhere, but if you really want to smooch someone and you're in pain...do it at your own dental risk. I was in sixth grade the last time I tried it.

Of course I don't have to remind you that anything that results in open cuts in your mouth means that cooties like HIV have a clear shot into your bloodstream. If you're tonguing a moist opening other than a mouth, factor in safer sex.

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-abrac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on this "Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone(@drizzle.com.

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